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11.02.2023 9:15 PM as of finished entry
I drank coke with a bit of milk. it actually tasted good. i mean, the coke obfuscated most - if not all - of the milk's flavour, so its not like it tasted much different. Maybe it was just sweeter lol

ive been thinking about death a lot lately. Not in a suicidal way, just more of as a concept, or the consequences of it in a physical way - affecting the world around it. i remember a friend of mine - we are kind of just acquaintances though, but i do consider said person a friend - sparked a short conversation which ended in me saying something along the lines of, 'Oh, to live on after death through the ecosystems my corpse has supported...' and well. Yeah. i just feel very strongly about death and life, in a symbolic way, i guess. I resent the way we were taught to view death. i think the way death as a thing that just happens was - and is - villanized makes experiencing the death of someone close to you - be it a relative, friend or pet, especially if its one of your first experiences with it, or merely thinking about how you'll also die - an almost, if not completely, traumatizing event.

the way people's death is treated currently does upset me, too. I remember, around five months ago, still conforming to the idea of my corpse being cremated after death. to be fair, i truly didnt think of my death's aftermath, or it happening, too much - the sole theme can cause me to spiral into panic -, but i remember never truly being fine, content or just satisfied with it. And then my grandfather died. and he got cremated. and i realized i fucking hated that idea.

the way this connects with what i started this is that i realized the only way i'd be okay with dying would be if i was buried underneath the dirt, no casket or anything. Buried beneath a deep forest, my rotting body fueling the life that surrounds my death. I would delay my death until i was inside a hole i'd dig myself, if the means became necessary. The idea of me living through the flora that blossomed from my decaying body helps me cope with death.